written by Sam (bull)
Dear Ranch Owner,
I'm not a vet or anything but I may have E-coli.
I've been feeling a little weird recently. It might just be a cold or the flu or something but why take the chance? If I were you I'd sneak me off this ranch as soon as possible. You probably want to run some tests first, make sure it definitely is E-coli. That's understandable. Follow the normal protocol and all that.
If it was me though, I wouldn't risk the delay.
What if the meat inspector shows up tomorrow morning by surprise? He'll kill ALL the cows just to be safe. An empty ranch isn't worth much. It's your decision, of course, and I know it isn't up to me. I'm just saying. Look, I know what the future holds for me - I continue to eat beer-soaked grain until the day I walk into that Barn Of No Return over there and you sell my meat to a butcher. That's right, I know. I've seen the PETA videos. I'm not happy about the situation but what can I do, make a run for it? We both know I wouldn't get far. Then again, maybe I'll get far enough to reach a pay phone and call the meat inspector. Why risk the whole ranch when you could just sneak me off the grounds tonight with the promise I won't make that call? You can't pay the mortgage with just beer-soaked grain. Maybe I don't have E-coli. Than again, maybe I do. Getting me off this ranch as soon as possible might just be your best insurance policy.