written by Chickers (penguin)
Yeah, I'm the guy - the first penguin to file for divorce.
I know, I know, penguins stay together for life. Look, I'm sorry to screw up that perfect record but I just couldn't take her nagging: "Don't leave raw fish around the ice block." "Why is there blubber in the cod liver oil container?" Jeez! Who wants to hear that cackling twenty-four-seven for the rest of their life?
I proposed to her with an exquisite shiny pebble. It took FOUR MONTHS to find! (You try finding a nice-looking pebble on a ice flow.) She was grateful for about a week. Then it became, "How come I no longer get shiny pebbles?" "How come I'm always the one regurgitating fish for dinner?" I'll tell you what the last straw was. I was on the glacier with the other fathers (you know the drill - keeping the egg warm while she heads back to the ocean to get food) and how long do you think she was gone? A month? Month and a half? Try 65 days! I don't care how slow you waddle, it doesn't take 2 months to get to the beach and back. I'm freezing my tail off in the katabatic winds and she's out frolicking at the shore with the girls! A penguin can only take so much! So go ahead and judge me for breaking penguin tradition. I don't care. I just want out. And next winter, while you're on the glacier wondering when your other half is coming back, think of me. I'll be in Patagonia with a six pack of bait, checking out the scene. I'll be free as a bird and living like a lion - procreating and moving on to the next one. That, my friends, is why lions are the kings.