written by Flankins (dove)
Seven years I worked for The Amazing Stephan. And in all those seven years, when it came time to pop out of his dumb hat, did I ever miss a cue? Never!
So how does Mr. Amazing show his thanks? He promotes Felix to Head Dove. Felix! The Amazing Stephan can kiss my lily-white tail feathers.
And by the way? There's a hidden compartment in the bottom of his hat.
"Work for me and I'll show you the world," he promised. I'll tell you what he showed me - the inside of every motel chain in Ohio. That, and how he knows what card you picked because he placed a mirror on the back wall. Forty minutes a night I was stuffed under the armpit of someone who drinks bar gin by the quart. It was no picnic.
The only thing amazing about the Amazing Stephen is that his liver still works. Maybe he should use his magic powers to conjure up a book on hygiene, that's all I'm saying. The Olympics are coming up so I can probably get some freelance work in the opening ceremonies.
If you hear of any good job openings for a dove, let me know. And keep your eyes on his left hand when he saws the woman in half - you can see him move the hidden latch.
written by Mr. Hugo (elephant)
So I hear you wanna join the circus, huh kid?
Let me give you some advice - donʼt. Life in under the Big Top ainʼt all fresh hay and peanuts.I used to be like you - bright-eyed, full of hope. I too listened when the circus recruiters came and talked about waking up each day in a new town and nights spent in front of cheering crowds. What the recruiters forget to mention are the 23 hours between shows.Itʼs lonely, for starters. Youʼre on the road nine months a year.
Think youʼre gonna meet some great gal at a local zoo? One willing to drop everything and follow you cross-country as a circus groupie? Oh, please! Let me tell you how your nights are gonna be spent - alone, in the mess tent playing cards with me, some midgets and the union drivers.And by the way? The tents stink. Ever see a washing machine big enough to hold a circus tent?-- Oh Hell, why am I even wasting my breath? Youʼre gonna do what you want. Mark my words though, five years from now youʼre gonna be standing backstage before showtime, the guy coming up behind you with the stick and youʼre gonna think, I shouldʼve listened to the old geezer. I shouldʼve never joined the circus.
But by then itʼll be too late. Check out Monster.com. See any job offerings for middle-aged elephants?The circus is no life, kid. Once youʼre in it, you never get out. Itʼs like porn. There. I said my peace.
Now get outta here and leave me alone.