written by Flankins (dove)
Seven years I worked for The Amazing Stephan. And in all those seven years, when it came time to pop out of his dumb hat, did I ever miss a cue? Never!
So how does Mr. Amazing show his thanks? He promotes Felix to Head Dove. Felix! The Amazing Stephan can kiss my lily-white tail feathers.
And by the way? There's a hidden compartment in the bottom of his hat.
"Work for me and I'll show you the world," he promised. I'll tell you what he showed me - the inside of every motel chain in Ohio. That, and how he knows what card you picked because he placed a mirror on the back wall. Forty minutes a night I was stuffed under the armpit of someone who drinks bar gin by the quart. It was no picnic.
The only thing amazing about the Amazing Stephen is that his liver still works. Maybe he should use his magic powers to conjure up a book on hygiene, that's all I'm saying. The Olympics are coming up so I can probably get some freelance work in the opening ceremonies.
If you hear of any good job openings for a dove, let me know. And keep your eyes on his left hand when he saws the woman in half - you can see him move the hidden latch.
written by Alberto (eagle)
I've been the national symbol for 217 years. During that time weʼve climbed from musket-wielding colonists to the worldʼs only remaining superpower. Itʼs been a good run. Flawed as we may be at times, this nation is still THE beacon for freedom in the world and Iʼm proud to have been a part of it.
But now itʼs time to let some other animal takeover emblem duties. Consider this my two week notice. This has nothing to do with politics. This isnʼt about the war or anything like that. The simple fact is Iʼm not getting any younger. Iʼve been through an industrial revolution and two world wars. Iʼm tired. I want to do some traveling and spend more time with the grandchicks while I still can.
There are a lot of animals that could easily take my place. The condor might be nice - big, native to the country... Or maybe the turkey. You know, back when they picked me, Ben Franklin was considering the turkey. Also the buffalo. I bet either one of them would be thrilled to finally get a chance at bat.
Donʼt worry, Iʼll stick around until they find someone new. And itʼs not like Iʼm gonna disappear altogether. Iʼll still pop up here and there. Iʼll be like Walter Cronkite. But with less white on my head.