written by Chickers (penguin)
Yeah, I'm the guy - the first penguin to file for divorce.
I know, I know, penguins stay together for life. Look, I'm sorry to screw up that perfect record but I just couldn't take her nagging: "Don't leave raw fish around the ice block." "Why is there blubber in the cod liver oil container?" Jeez! Who wants to hear that cackling twenty-four-seven for the rest of their life?
I proposed to her with an exquisite shiny pebble. It took FOUR MONTHS to find! (You try finding a nice-looking pebble on a ice flow.) She was grateful for about a week. Then it became, "How come I no longer get shiny pebbles?" "How come I'm always the one regurgitating fish for dinner?" I'll tell you what the last straw was. I was on the glacier with the other fathers (you know the drill - keeping the egg warm while she heads back to the ocean to get food) and how long do you think she was gone? A month? Month and a half? Try 65 days! I don't care how slow you waddle, it doesn't take 2 months to get to the beach and back. I'm freezing my tail off in the katabatic winds and she's out frolicking at the shore with the girls! A penguin can only take so much! So go ahead and judge me for breaking penguin tradition. I don't care. I just want out. And next winter, while you're on the glacier wondering when your other half is coming back, think of me. I'll be in Patagonia with a six pack of bait, checking out the scene. I'll be free as a bird and living like a lion - procreating and moving on to the next one. That, my friends, is why lions are the kings.
written by Papa don't Preach (horse)
Hello, ladies. How are you all today?
We all know why Iʼm here. I believe the word is stud but I imagine you figured that out when you saw me walk in, am I right? Man, they said thereʼd be mares in here but they didnʼt say anything about foxes. Damn!
Maybe youʼve heard of me, "Papa Donʼt Preach"? Iʼve been kickinʼ around the big tracks a few years now. Made some folks a few duckets here and there - won a few, placed a few, had a lot of shows... You know what Iʼm sayinʼ. Apparently someone likes the makeup inside this smooth, brown coat because, well, here I am baby.
So here we are, face to face with nothing but horseshoes. Ohhh yeahh. Let me go get a robe and some hay and Iʼll be right back to get this thing started. By the way, even through weʼre working for The Man thereʼs no rule against enjoying ourselves.
Papa Donʼt Preach is here, ladies. Itʼs time to party.