written by Wally (walrus)
Iʼm tired of hearing about Shark Week on TV. "Theyʼre scary! Theyʼre bloodthirsty! Donʼt want to miss Shark Week!!"
Let me tell you something about sharks - wimps. All of ʻem. You heard me. Every one of us trash-covered walrusʼ scattered along these slimy rocks can kick the butt of any shark we wanted to. We just donʼt want to.
Sharks attack divers, we lay in the sun and eat garbage thrown from tour boats. Itʼs just a different choice, thatʼs all. They deserve their own week on TV and we donʼt? "Oh, but theyʼre fierce," you argue. "They make for good TV." We can be fierce if we choose to be. We just donʼt choose to be. See these tusks? These babies can gouge out the guts of a diver any day of the week. Pick a day and Iʼll show you. Iʼm serious. As long as itʼs in the afternoon, after my nap.
Iʼll show you how fierce a walrus can be, my friend. Weʼre talking bloodthirsty like you wouldnʼt believe! In fact, you know what? Iʼll show you right now. Come over here and knock one of these Dr. Scholls foot pads off me. Just TRY! I dare you!
If you can wait until later though, Iʼd appreciate it.