written by Leanord (skunk) "Oh no! Here comes Mr. Stinky." I know that's what you and your friends say whenever I approach. How do you think that makes me feel? Why does my odor always have to be the thing that defines me? Skunks have other, positive attributes, you know. We're clever. We're good with tools. Ever consider those things when one of us is heading over? Ever say to yourself, "Here comes a skunk. Fantastic! I'll bet he can help me build these bookshelves!" No, you probably think, "Darn, he's gonna contaminate my wood. The bookshelves are gonna smell like wet shoes now." There are a lot of things worse than the smell of a skunk. Ever take a whiff of a sumo wrestler's gym bag or the porto-potties at a state fair? Ever been to Savannah on a Friday night in August? Look, I'm not saying skunks don't have an odor problem. I'm just saying let's put it in perspective, maybe look beyond it for once. We have feelings too.
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written by Kitty (cat) This is difficult to write. And Iʼm not just talking about the actual typing. I mean emotionally. I know the rap on me is that Iʼm a cold fish. Perhaps. But beneath my arched back and disdainful look beats a tender heart. A heart that can only take so much.Itʼs clear that since that fateful day last August when you came back from Dog Rescue with Buster, I have become a second class resident around here. As you know, I donʼt find joy in speaking ill of others but I cannot stand that dog!True, I donʼt have his personality - I refuse to lick your faces, I donʼt retrieve tennis balls and I canʼt bring myself to spin around in crazy circles at mealtime. Fair enough. On the other hand, I groom myself, cover up my cat box leavings and donʼt hump the legs of dinner guests. Does that not carry any weight?Every weekend you take him to the dog park to watch in glee as he drags his itchy ass across the lawn and chases squirrels up the sycamore tree. (Ones he never actually catches Iʼd like to point out.) I however, a real hunter, bring you a dead mouse and whatʼs your reaction? Run screaming!I will not bore you with my entire laundry list of Busterʼs slights. Suffice to say, I cannot take this favoritism any longer. I will be leaving. Out of respect for the many years weʼve had together, I felt I owed you an explanation as to why.If you have a change of heart and realize that I deserve a larger percentage of your attention than that smelly ball of drool, feel free to get in touch with me. Iʼll be under the Toyota. written by Trouble (dog) Members of the House Staff, As you have heard, Mrs. Helmsley left me a trust fund worth $12 million so you'll excuse me if it appears I'm not listening to anything you guys say from this point forward. Oh, by the way, effective immediately I'll pee anywhere I damn well please. There's gonna be some new rules around here. For starters, dinner will be in my bowl at exactly 5:00 pm. Not 5:01. Got that? All table scraps will be given to me, not the cat. If I ever see table scraps in the cat's dish the entire kitchen staff will be fired. Also, the cat doesn't eat until I'm finished. If she doesn't like that rule she's free to file a complaint from whatever shelter she ends up being dropped off at. Another rule: No more petting. Lord only knows where your hands have been. Besides, I can recognize phoniness from a mile away so everybody can stop this whole "Who's a good dog?" charade. Like Leona, I'll leave money to whomever I want and kissing my ass isn't gonna put you higher up the list. Most of you kissed Leona's ass and how'd that work out for ya? I got 12 million and you got squat wrapped in a Life lesson - the lesson being: the world"s not fair. So let's stop all the pouting over who did and didn't get what. I'm talking to you, Nicholas. It's not my fault she left her chauffeur only a hundred grand. Suck it up. Look on the bright side - after taxes you can buy half a nice car. Now take off one of your shoes so I can chew on it. And tell Butler Boy to get in here. I don't remember his name and I don't intend to learn it now-- Oh, there you are. I"ve got a new game we're gonna play: I drop this ball out this top floor window and you run down to the street to fetch it. Quick! Run, run, run... That's a good servant. I'm gonna take a nap. By the time I get up I expect all the carpets to be replaced with sod. And when Butler Boy gets back, tell him to put a leash on the cat and take her for a walk. She hates that. written by Elton (critter) I donʼt believe in god. Notice the small "g." Like other self-described atheists, I reject supernatural claims because they lack empirical evidence to support the existence of such deities. Heʼs an all-knowing entity who lives in the sky, you say? Sounds like fairy tales to me. Being a fox, I know about fairy tales. Iʼm in some. When youʼre being chased down for slaughter by a large collection of hounds, horses and Englishman it is hard to wrap oneʼs mind around the concept of a just and kind god. (Did you notice the small "g" this time?) Sure, He loves all his creatures. He just happens to work in mysterious ways and has decided that today it would be best if the foxes were to scamper through bushes in a desperate attempt to save their lives. Sorry. Doesnʼt pass the smell test. There is no one ideology or set of behaviors to which all atheists adhere. Indeed atheistic thought has become intertwined with broader philosophies such as Objectivism and logical positivism. Neopositivism and analytical philosophy discarded classical rationalism and metaphysics in favor of strict empiricism and epistemological nominalism. But Iʼm sure Iʼm not telling you anything you donʼt already know. The simple fact is, I believe what I believe and, until I see otherwise, Iʼm not going to change my mind. Now if youʼll excuse me, I think I hear barking. Time to run for my life. Written by Higgins (donkey) I'm lazy? Is that what I heard you say? Yeah well, I don't see YOU walking up and down the Grand Canyon twice a week. Do me a favor, would ya? Grab that knapsack over there and take it up that mountain for me. Oh, and make sure they tie it on real loose so that the pots and pans rattle the whole way up. What's was that? Yeah, I didn't think you'd want to. I'm stubborn too, right? That's the stereotype, isn't it? Lazy and stubborn. Let me tell you why I'm stubborn. Because I'm smarter than you. That's right, I said it. I've walked these damn trails a thousand times. Just cause you're too inexperienced to recognize a trial not worth following doesn't mean I should have to go that way also, Mr. I'm So Stupid I Pack Heavy Canned Foods On A Backpacking Trip. You're mistaking laziness for economy of motion. I move slow. You pegged me. You're SO smart. I'm saving my energy. You ever think of that? What happens when they need someone to haul some Top Secret Anti-Alien Missile Device to the top of the mountain to save the world before it's destroyed? Who are they gonna turn to? I'll tell you who - the smart animal who's been conserving his energy. Go ahead and call me names but I'll be the one saving the planet, not you. Who'll be the ass then? Huh? Who? written by Chuck (cat) Yeah, I clawed up the speaker grills! And I'll do it again. I'll keep doing it until you get it through your thick skull that I do not like jazz. Would it kill you to play some U2 every once in awhile? Maybe a little Wings or John Hyatt? Look at your bottom shelf. You have at least a dozen Broadway show albums. When was the last time you put on "Rent"? Or "How To Succeed,", the one starring Matthew Broderick? You can ramble on all you want about jazz not being about the notes but about what's between the notes... how it's sophisticated... I've heard you explain it again and again to all those girls you bring home. And okay, I can see at those particular times how Miles Davis might be a better choice than the soundtrack to "Company." But late Sunday afternoons? After she's packed up her stuff and left? Time to put on something that has an actual melody. When I'm in my litter box taking a constitutional, I don't want complicated syncopation between a tenor sax and a piano. I want Joni Mitchell. It's easy to poop to Joni Mitchell. So do we understand each other now? I'm sure buying new speaker grills won't be cheap. Don't make me ruin the new ones also. |
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